I don’t know how to do this anymore.
Maybe it’s just trauma.
Maybe it’s trauma, body image issues, sensory issues, and fear of judgement.
Maybe it’s my hormones. I got them tested. Now I wonder if it is.
Maybe it’s all of that, and yet, maybe I am ace.
Would knowing help? Or make it worse?
When does it ever feel like I am enough?
My therapist told me this. They said, and I am para-phrasing, “Sometimes when your brain knows a core life need is full of question marks in its fulfillment, it can drive you to believe it is not possible – which is a given over an unknown. Certainty, even if hopeless, is attractive.”
You know what a core life need is for me? Having a partner.
I love my friends, these new friends. Some of them whom I consciously keep around, they are good to me. I try to be good to them too, and I hope I am. It’s not always easy, or easy to tell.
Still, when it’s bed time, when I wake up, when it’s Friday… I feel like my friends are not enough for me. I need more.
I am not enough. I do not have enough.
Yet I have everything I need to build some life. Just not my life.
Where to, next?