Category: Uncategorized
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Stress levels in a neurotypical world.
At the movies and the stores. When I go to the movies, they ask me to “submit” my backpack. They fear that I will use my laptop and possibly sneak some other equipment in to tape the movie. When I go to the stores, they ask me to “submit” my backpack. They fear that I…
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For a lifetime.
Been wanting to come and write here for a while. So much has been happening. And yet, nothing. Why do we humans feel like this, sometimes? I want to talk about so many things, but I guess that’s a bit too unrealistic. I’m back at home from my favourite sea-side city. Been settling in. Been…
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Do I always make sense?
Sometimes I write on here and it makes perfect sense to me. Sometimes I wrote stories on Instagram and it makes perfect sense to me. But, sometimes, friends get in touch with follow-up questions that I thought were reasonably guessable/answered in my text. Perhaps I am a sucker for nuance to the point others aren’t…
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A diagnosis.
I’ve been making trips to the gynecologist for a few months now. It all started with pain during dilating — which is a medical need and therefore the pain couldn’t just sit there in the background. It made everything harder for a chore I have to perform. We’ve been working on treating that pain, and…
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Birthdays.
I have… finally gained clarity on birthdays. The most awful day of the year. Here’s some guidelines: For your friends: If you’re supposed to be at work, take the day off. Don’t really explain why you need the day off, if that can be done. And you’ll be okay. 0
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Brekkie.
Trigger warning: food intake, weight loss. Do I really need brekkie on most days? I’m starting to think not. I get up at around 9:30am and don’t feel hungry until around noon. Sometimes even later. I am learning hunger cues again, really. Let’s talk about this. When my liver wasn’t in good shape, I started…
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Away from.
Flew out, away, from my flat. At a friend’s place in a different city. Grew old. And a little bit wiser. I’m not hungry so I might skip breakfast. Maybe some coffee and a few chips? This guy took his chance on me last night, glaringly missing that I had the ace flag draped around…
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Weekend.
Hung out with two friends on Friday and Saturday each, separately. I feel comfortable with both of them. For the most part. Friday And they both know about me. Both super recent disclosures. Still not sure if one of them is on-board, but the other one is. I’m not going to be upset, because the…
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Appreciation.
I’ve been smashing it lately. At home and at work and at life, too, a little bit. But I need to rest now. I can feel the tiredness sinking in. Still, it is not at all a bad idea to stop for a second and pat myself on the back for keeping up with things.…
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Not enough.
I don’t know how to do this anymore. Maybe it’s just trauma. Maybe it’s trauma, body image issues, sensory issues, and fear of judgement. Maybe it’s my hormones. I got them tested. Now I wonder if it is. Maybe it’s all of that, and yet, maybe I am ace. Would knowing help? Or make it…
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A new home for this website.
Over the weekend, I finally mustered the life strength to move this site to a new web address – rusi.me. I received a notification earlier in the week about Feeling Minus One’s upcoming domain renewal, and decided between feelingminus.one and the old-but-new domain, I wanted to cut one loose and save some change. I already…
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Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
Performing slam poetry for a single person, a new queer friend, at a lake. Drinking litres of water, then looking at my face in the mirror to see if anything’s changed. Not drinking litres of water, then looking at my face in the mirror to see if anything’s changed. Dreaming about being in bed with…
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Drifting with a sad face.
I’m binging on these unhealthy snacks. And I should stop. And sometimes my will power is enough, sometimes it is not. I have a cold and I’m also drinking milk tea — something I am now trying to reduce in a bid to have fewer calories overall. But I am sick so it’s okay. Did…
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already
you hate lowercase. i don’t judge. i just need a minute to write. without moving too much. i feel a little numb. too numb. days of crying are now blending into days of nothing. i’ve said everything i think i wanted to say. but it always feels like there’s more. i’m waking up in a…
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Monsters.
All I feel is overwhelm or dread these days. One monster wants to do everything – organise the kitchen, order curtains for the hall, buy more lamps, and so on. The other one stops me. The other monster. “Lie down,” it says. “Rest.” Then the third monster pops in – it’s 12 noon and my…
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The mystery of bedtime.
I want to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. I want to go to bed at a fixed time. I want to get my hours of sleep. I want to wake up early enough that I am not woken up by the doorbell ringing. And yet, the mystery of bedtime continues to be one.…
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Morning café.
Not a very happy post, so if you need to look away, I will understand. Had gone out this morning. Woke up with such a heavy cloud over me. It’s still here. Not leaving. And I needed to get out of here. But now it’s work time, and I am back in my room. Here.…
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Attachment and expectations.
Attachment… that is my problem. You see, I have a regulation problem. I am learning to regulate my emotions as a very old woman (or young, depends how you look at it). Maybe there is no “right” age for that, though, right? If I’m being kind to myself, and others in shoes similar to mine.…
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Emergency.
I’ve been dealing with a post-op issue for the last couple of weeks. Yesterday was a test of if one of the two things I was asked to try worked. No-go. I am very sad today. It’s been over 7 months. I should not be dealing with this right now… Couple of weeks ago when…
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Being by myself.
A couple of months ago, I fought with my bestie. “I have expectations and I will not shy away from voicing them and demanding them.” Today, my monologue with my bestie is limited to myself, and less confrontational than that. I don’t expect calls. I don’t expect that when I call, she will pick up…